You can find this in True Confessions | Written by Humberto on February 29, 2012

With Context

Kim just discovered that Pamela has a new laptop stand: two large books.
Pamela: “Aren’t books great? You can use them for everything! To prop up windows… to hold open doors…”
Kim: “to give a man a pounding…”

[When I sought clarification for this post, Kim said, "If the pounding doesn't work, I deliver paper cuts.... Just kidding. I didn't know you were going to write that down."]

Pamela (on using the fluorescent lights at the office): “It just makes me feel like I’m under gray skies.”

Sudden power outage! Chaos!
Melissa: “First we need to find out if the whole building is out, or if we blew a fuse.”
Pamela: “First we need to find out if Humberto’s going to cry.”
Humberto: (moaning) “All my work…”

The power outage has also killed our phone and wireless.
Melissa: “Screw it, I’m going for a cookie.”

No Context Needed

Melissa: “Humberto, do you want both your last names on the masthead?”
Humberto: “Yeah, sure. I should give my mom some credit, I suppose.”
*a few seconds later*
Melissa: “Uh oh I don’t know if I’m going to be able to fit the masthead on the page. Pamela, do you know if all of the poetry editors are still active?”
Pamela: “That’s okay; Humberto can just drop his mom.”

Melissa: (mock gasp) “You don’t know what kind of beer your husband drinks?”
Anne: “Yes, it comes in bottles, in a pack of six.”

Pamela: “I just discovered last night that my right click wasn’t working. Who takes a right click off a computer?”

Bonus: on using the kettle.

10:00am – Anne wants a cup of tea, so she sets water to boil.
10:20am – Humberto: “Anne, I think the water is boiling now.”
Anne: “I know…”
11:45am – Anne has yet to serve herself tea, so she re-starts the kettle to boil more water.
1:50pm – Anne realizes that she never made the tea so, for the third time, she starts the kettle and sets more water to boil.
2:10pm – Anne offers tea to the rest of the TNQ office, and then proceeds to serve Melissa and Pamela.
2:15pm – Over 4 hours later, Anne finally enjoys a lovely cup of decaffeinated tea.